PODCAST: Episode 11 – What is “The Messy Middle”

 

What is The Messy Middle?

[LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE HERE]

Today I wanted to have a really nice conversation about being in the messy middle. This is a place that I guarantee all of us have been at some point maybe you are feeling that right now, where you really don’t know which way to turn. You feel unsure of what the correct path is to take. Maybe you’re living in fear or doubt feeling slightly out of alignment but also huge mindset blocks are coming up for you.

It can be extremely triggering to even say these words even say I’m in the messy middle, but I want you to know that that space is normal and it’s human nature for us to experience this at some point in our lives. The great thing about this is that you can begin to be able to decipher exactly where you want to go. What you want to do, and create for yourself. What is your destiny? What is your goal and dream in life is a very bold opening statement.

Maybe you’re reading this at 6am and thinking, okay, because we get it, calm down. But the truth of the matter is, is that it is my passion to help people in this space. I have been in this space, I have had this professionally, personally, relationships, work, having to stop teaching yoga because of hip surgery really not knowing, actually what else to do with my life. It’s very very easy to stay there and to stay in scarcity and to stay in a fear based mindset really worried about, well, if I embark on this next path of what are people going to say, what are people going to think of me. What happens if I choose this path, and something doesn’t work out. What happens if I launch this business and it fails. What happens if, you know, I say I’m going to go out on a date with this guy and it doesn’t work out?

What if, what if, What if nothing factual only fear….. nothing factual only fear.

Just let that resonate for a moment because maybe some of the statements resonate with you and align with where you are today.

 

What to do if you are in The Messy Middle? (and my story)

It can feel really really tough, and it can feel incredibly lonely to be in this space. Now I pose a question to you, why is it that when we become an adult, we feel that we need to do everything by ourself, everything alone, that we don’t need to ask for help, that we don’t need to work with other people, that we don’t need to explore different options, or working on finding our tribe of women or men or whoever that might be for you to work alongside us to help? Why do we feel that asking for help is failure.

One of the greatest things that I ever did was when I was in the messy middle and I’m gonna really talk you through what happened with me. I decided I was going to run a half marathon, this is good few years ago now, and not being a runner, you know, it was a huge, huge challenge for me. When I say not being a runner, I mean I really was not a runner. I didn’t like it, but I thought to myself, if I can do this, it shows that I have got the willpower to pick up something new, and run for one of a better word, run with it. And so that’s what I did, I embarked on this journey I went to Paris, I ran this half marathon. You know my ego state was crazy, I wanted to beat two hours for half marathon, and I got to I think it was about 18 Maybe 19k And my hip just when my head completely gave way on me, it was absolute agony because I was running and training really quite aggressively for someone who hadn’t done it and then the day of running, it was in Paris so cobbled streets everywhere but it was raining so there was no grip, lots of sliding and slipping and lots of impact. I got to 19k and I just burst into tears I was in agony, people were asking me “cava? cava?”. I was like, No, but I carried on running because of my ego state and I really cannot believe I still run it in two hours and six minutes. I mean, not that the time matters of the numbers but I just remember it’s so much thinking. Why did you care. Why didn’t you just slow down a bit and listen to your body, you know, why did you push yourself through that to still do it in that time and I would have definitely beat in the two hours had I not had to stop. And I’m reflection of that later that day, I was really annoyed with myself.  From this you have done something to yourself. All to prove that you could do it in under two hours for who?  because I don’t really talk about that, I just say I ran a half marathon I never talk about the time I got into a really really bad mindset about it, a very competitive mindset, even just with myself that clearly didn’t work. My body was telling me to stop my body was telling me to slow down.

 

So fast forward. Back in London, teaching yoga and ending up in agony every single day. I was going to work thinking, I will teach this class, and it will make me feel worse but there’s nothing that I can do about that.  I knew that I had to show up, week in, week out, day in, day out. Be bold, be brave, be waking up Sunday that 430 In the morning, to teach knowing that at that time, like I’m in agony, walking, basically like the 10 Man, you know, trying to stretch trying to wake up my head trying not to make it any worse. And then trying to put a brave face on it and say I’m fine, I’m fine. Anyway, I wasn’t fine, and after physio and countless scans and cortisone injections into the hip. It was determined that I needed to have hip surgery. And so, when I finally had hip surgery. I thought, I’ll be off for four weeks, and then I’ll be back. Right, I’ll be back. I’ll be teaching yoga is going to be no problem whatsoever.

And to this day, I have not taught yoga since as crazy when I say that actually I practice now myself just for myself but I mean we’re looking at max 15 minutes a day, which compared to what I used to practice is, is really nothing. And, really, in that messy middle moment when I was sat there on crutches, thinking to myself, I just don’t know if I can do this, I don’t want to feel this pain again and the pain from my hip would go all the way down my leg into my foot, you know I would be in agony like shooting pains down my leg and I just really really started to panic.

What if five years from now, I’m still doing this same work. And I’m causing the same pain and I’m making my body wise what’s going to happen to me in 10 years. Where is my body going to be then? how am I going to be feeling? What if 10 years from now I end up with arthritis in my hip and I know that I’ve caused it.

 

What I did and what you can do when in this Mindset:

So I started to really think about what my mission was and what was actually my passion. And it’s really really interesting when I sat and I worked with a coach. I invested in myself and I thought, I need to really work out what is going on in my mind because my block, is that I left advertising to do this and now, I can’t do something different that is failure.  It’s so crazy, on reflection now years on, but that to me, that was failure. I can’t do this, I can’t explore this new option because what will people think I’m known for this. This is why people follow me or engage with me what are they going to think, when I do something different. But what I realised it was is my passion and my goal is to help people, is to create a feeling for them that I used to create either with meditation or yoga or mindfulness workshops I’d host in workplaces or whatever it may be, it was all about the feeling.

It was all about the mind the whole time. I just hadn’t given myself a time to step back and actually truly assess what it was. So I then went often trained in transformational coaching, became a mindset coach, and now I help people in this space in that exact space, where they have been in the messy middle in their crossroads. And I got dubbed as a crossroads coach by a couple of people and I thought that’s yeah great nickname, yet now that is all I want to focus on because for me to see somebody in that space is heartbreaking to me. I’ve been there. I know how that feels. I know how scary it is and not know which way to turn and also I know like, you don’t have to do that all by yourself.

So if you’re feeling in this way, and these statements and stories kind of resonate with you I want you to ask yourself these few questions, and maybe you can journal these down or you can just have a little thing, maybe come back to this episode when it feels good:

But I want you to ask yourself, what would happen if I took this leap?

And I want you to ask yourself, what would happen if I didn’t take this leap?

And this question I find terrifying. I don’t want to look back and think that I didn’t take risks. I didn’t explore. I didn’t give it a go. I didn’t try. What would happen if I didn’t take this leap?

Where do I see myself, a year from now. Where do I see myself, a year from now. Where do I see myself, a year from now?

And finally, what is one thing that I can do to move the needle by 1% Today?

 

Whenever I pose those questions, or work with somebody, the fear of not achieving something the fear of not taking that leap takes over. And you can get yourself into a state of panic, so I want you to rely to really think about where you are today and where you want to be, but what is one tiny small step we can take small progress is still progress. So I don’t want you to add all of his pressure to yourself, I want you to think about that. I want you to allow that to be part of you now thinking about that, thinking about how you feel, thinking about how it feels to actually ask those questions, and to take a moment to recognise that where you are right now. This is where the magic happens. This is where the change happens, of course, I’m going to quote Brene Brown. I’m so sorry, but you know I’m obsessed with her. She studied vulnerability for years, and without being vulnerable. We cannot create more joy and magic in our life. I mean that’s not verbatim but that is a premise around it, without being vulnerable. We cannot create joy vulnerability is a place of joy.

And in your life, I want it to be filled with joy and happiness, and I want you to know that as an adult, you really do not have to do this all on your own. Ask for help work with people who resonate with you find your tribe. Create the thing, start the business, go out on their day, do these things. Be bold, be brave, because I promise you, I truly truly promise you it will pay off tenfold. So I hope that resonated with you, I needed to share that today.

 

 

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 Thank you for your attention and support!

Love,

Kirstyx